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Taking The Lizard Steak in V

COOKIE: Would you break up with me if I wasn’t who you thought I was?

REDEYE: You mean like if you were a catfish?

COOKIE: Sort of like a catfish, but more like a lizard.

REDEYE: Are you honestly bringing that shit up again? I’m not going to a furry meetup with you.

COOKIE: I can think of 10 dudes right now who would KILL to unleash their inner beasts with me.

REDEYE: Too bad you’re so hung up on me.

COOKIE: What a sorry bitch I am. ANYWAY. V and V: The Final Battle are these miniseries’ that RedEye found on VHS. On each tape there’s a happy animal sticker reminding us that the video belongs to “Leah and Blair Snelgrove”. Which is kinda YUCK, because they’re probably someone’s grandparents. But actually: these old folks have pretty gnarly taste!

REDEYE: The series is about aliens who come to earth and convince everyone that they’re cool. But they’re actually fascist reptiles disguised as people and their master plan is to harvest the human race for food.


COOKIE: A resistance movement forms against the Visitors, led by a total California blonde. And they’re like, “We can’t let these ugly lizards take over our planet! They’re creepy-looking as FUCK.” Which kinda makes them racist.

REDEYE: Some of the Visitors are really sexy when they’re dressed in human skin. Like that Diana chick. She’s a real whip-kitten.

COOKIE: She’s the commander of one of the mother ships and she’ll teach you everything you need to know about being a powerful woman. For example, everyone will hate you for being a woman in power. So you may as well make them fear you by being a complete bitch. This way, you’ll get shit done. Also, take a younger lover. Just because you CAN.


REDEYE: You know what else is cool about her? She hates Christianity so much that she murders a priest and blows his Bible to bits.

COOKIE: Yeah, she’s basically like, “This book makes me question myself. And I really hate that. So fuck you, religion.”

REDEYE: One time I used Bible paper to roll a doob. What a shitty joint.

COOKIE: Not only is it a dull read, it’s not even good to do drugs with.

REDEYE: There are no drugs in this series.

COOKIE: But at least there’s an alien pregnancy.

REDEYE: Right. A dumb 17-year-old chick does it with one of the Visitors and gets preggers with a lizard kid.

COOKIE: She waits way too long to abort. Because she’s an IDIOT. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been pregnant, but I don’t get what the big deal is. Denial ISN’T a good strategy. Just deal with it.

REDEYE: Yeah, cause birthing a lizard baby is really something to cry about.


COOKIE: Although, it is amusing when people accidentally give birth to total FREAKS.

REDEYE: Or when they accidentally give birth in a McDonald’s toilet.

COOKIE: YES! Someone please make a movie about THAT.

REDEYE: Even better: the chick in V gives birth to twins. One is a grunting lizard gremlin and the other is a normal baby.

COOKIE: Normal except for its lizard tongue.

REDEYE: That baby is going to be really popular in junior high.


For more banter, check out VIDEODRONES.

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Susan Schemm

    September 28, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    Was one of my favourite series! Watching them eat a meal together was always one of my favourite parts! Down the hatch with another guinea pig!!! -LOL

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