COOKIE: Bad isn’t always good. Some movies are just plain BAD. Like Witchcraft, a straight-to-video horror flick that spawned 12 sequels. I don’t like to judge movies because that’s NOT what we do. (If you want ratings, give Rotten Tomatoes a whirl.) But boring me to death is the worst sin in cinema.
REDEYE: ESPECIALLY when the movie is about Satanism! What was up with that Lifetime made-for-TV movie soundtrack? Even WORSE: there was ZERO nudity. That’s pure heresy!
COOKIE: It’s unforgivable. But there’s still lots to chat about. Like babies! This is basically your typical Satan’s spawn flick: a chick gives birth and later learns that her husband and his mother are reincarnated Satanic witches who have used her to birth their child.
REDEYE: Do chicks really get tied down when they’re giving birth? Because that’s kinda hot.
COOKIE: NO. But there’s other twisted shit that goes on in the delivery room. When I was born, they used forceps to get me out, which mangled my skull beyond recognition. That’s why my head is SO big and cone-shaped!
REDEYE: Mystery = solved.
COOKIE: Now instead of forceps they use a vacuum. Which sounds like an abortion, but is somehow not.
REDEYE: That doesn’t sound like much of an improvement. Now the whole baby will be cone-shaped (not just the head).
COOKIE: I blame my birth for all of my feelings of rejection. For example, I was too big for the hospital wing we were in. Like, I was over the legal weight limit or something.
REDEYE: They were like, “That baby is too big to hang with the other babies.” At least you weren’t Satan’s baby.
COOKIE: Good point. I’m not sure if that possibility is an argument for or against procreation.
REDEYE: I’m still against it. I expected the baby in the movie to have horns or hooves, but it was just a normal baby. What a letdown. And everyone kept saying how much it looked like it’s mother and father. Why do people always say that??
COOKIE: I KNOW! If I was a mother and someone said that, I’d be like, “So, I look like a short bald man? Thanks, bitch.”
REDEYE: The husband was a creepy perv. I’m pretty sure he was wearing a chest wig.
COOKIE: NEVER marry a dude who calls his mom “Mother.” Didn’t that chick see Psycho??
For more banter, check out VIDEODRONES.
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