COOKIE: Did you ever wake up from a terrifying nightmare and wonder what exactly was so scary about it?
REDEYE: I don’t really get nightmares.
COOKIE: I get them ALL THE TIME. Like the other night. I was driving in my car and three Mexican gangsters jumped in. Then one of them pulled out a gun, but it was actually his dick. It had teeth and it wanted to bite me. I woke up screaming. But then I thought: why was I so scared? That was pretty HOT. Chillers is kinda like that.
REDEYE: How? I didn’t notice any vampire dicks.
COOKIE: It claims to be one of the most horrifying movies ever made. But it’s just a bunch of people stuck at a bus stop talking about their dreams. Like, I guess its scary when you find out your poolside lover has actually been dead for five years. But I was more horrified by those retardo swim goggles and that country-folk soundtrack.
REDEYE: Yeah, and how do you know you’re not into necro til you try it?
COOKIE: That swimmer chick had a mean underbite. She was like a foxy toothless meth head.
REDEYE: I’d tongue her behind the bleachers any day.
COOKIE: I wonder what it’s like to make out with someone who has no teeth. Probably like when you lose a tooth and you push your tongue into the wet, fleshy hole. And it kinda hurts a bit so you keep doing it.
REDEYE: She’d taste like tinfoil and fried chicken.
COOKIE: Actually, I was pretty spooked by the camping trip dream. Camp is supposed to be, like, boys in short-shorts water skiing and dog piling, and Italian girls rocking unibrows and axe wounds. But instead, Chillers gives us, like, this John Denver dude creeping on three little boys.
REDEYE: My grade 6 teacher took us camping in the winter. A girl had to go in the middle of the night so she pissed in a bucket. The next morning we ate our cereal while her piss thawed on the fire in front of us.
COOKIE: See? That’s why camp is SO awesome. I bet all the kids made fun of her and voted her Snow Queen just so they could dump the pee bucket on her head.
REDEYE: I think my teacher just used it to put out the fire.
COOKIE: What a resourceful little scout-bunny.
REDEYE: My favourite part of this movie is when that sexy vampire bitch is dancing solo in the living room then sucks the pizza guy dry. Best night of that dude’s life. Then they all eat the pizza.
COOKIE: That reminds me of the time I lost my virginity.
For more banter, check out VIDEODRONES.
New Comments