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How to Choke Your Date

When I read this article on choke sex, my first thought was: WHY has no one ever tried this with ME on a first date? Am I not chokable? And what does that even mean? It could mean swallow throated. Or ham necked. Not that I would necessarily be into it. But you could at least try.

Here is the issue with this: you have to ask first. I mean, I get it. Consent isn’t sexy. Can we please make it sexy? Someone please make a porn or R-rated film involving a truly steamy ground rules scene, okay? Consent can totally be 2014’s new millennial sex trend. Thanks.

choke-me

And what good is a safe word if you can’t SAY it? Maybe instead of a word, it could be safe sign language. Here’s hoping you’re not in cuffs… (Kidding! I would never wish that on anyone.)

There was a girl in my elementary school who used to choke herself out during recess. I remember watching her squeeze her own neck, her eyes crossed and bugging out like a barbequed fish head. She said it was fun to pass out. I didn’t question this. We also thought it was really fun to slice up our arms and legs. “I heart Dylan” and “homework sux.”

One time they called the ambulance and all the adults were really concerned. What’s wrong with her? Why is she choking herself? Maybe she was doing it to get off. But that’s not something they could have swallowed. “Mommy’s a drunk” or “Daddy touches her.” The only options for lost little girls.

FACT: You can kill a person this way. But life is so boring! Death is one of the only mysteries left. The only thing you can’t Google. And then there’s those assholes who claim they were legally dead for 7 minutes and saw the light. Fuck YOU. Maybe choke sex is a way to get close to death. To skirt around it, to flirt with it. And if it happens, well… you won’t be around to care.

I recall Meghan’s Flesh Love article. That part when she said that the men were more likely struggle, to resist those 20 breathless seconds. Did you see that first naked chick staring right at the camera? She looked like she could stay there forever.

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