Wolves, Foxes &
Government Workers
At CVLT Nation’s Crunchy
Black Metal Cabaret

Photos: Derek Carr

If you weren’t at Vancouver’s Astoria on Saturday, Oct. 26, you missed your ONE chance to see Wolvserpent!!

…But don’t cry about it because they didn’t show up. Those border dicks were DICKS. I mean, I love a man in uniform. Unless he’s a pig.

For anyone who doesn’t know, the creative geniuses behind CVLT Nation, Meghan and Sean, just moved to Vancouver. Nothing is Heavy & CVLT Nation Present Wolvserpent & Guests was their second event in Van City — and the first time we got to stalk them up close. ALSO: it was Halloween, motherfuckers. Well, practically.

The Astoria was really dark and sexy in that aging hooker with the cute smoker’s cough kinda way. You know. She smells like mothballs and Banana Boat Dark Tanning Oil. The pinball machines were lit up like a thousand glittering gummy bears in all the best fruit flavours. They zapped my eyes and zinged inside my brain as I tripped around the dusty, purple bar.

We were practically the only ones in costume. I was a Catholic Hellraiser (aka that chick from The Craft) and RedEye was Napoleon Dynamite. He kept trying to feed people tater tots out of his pants pocket but for some reason no one wanted them. I ate a bunch.

My girl Japonica was a mad scientist, who was really more like a lab assistant you want to fuck. There was also a bearded unicorn, a tiny whip kitten and a demented Domo.

I found Meghan and Sean, and earfucked Meghan for like an hour because she was easily the most interesting person in the room. This luminescent little beauty has cheekbones that WILL CUT YOU. She was instantly warm and charming and I kind of fell in love with her a little. That way you do with girlfriends at a slumber party in the middle of a game of truth or dare, in the dead of night. The ones who aren’t shitty little cunts. Sean was smooth and regal, and really foxy, too. What sweet relief to meet a real live couple that isn’t tired or bitter like the morning after pill.

Harrow was all kinds of crunchy black metal, and they totally made me cum a little. The guitar player had really BIG hair. Was it just me or was it sort of softly blowing in the wind in that spacey, romantic King Buzzo way? They had this agile chick bass player who wouldn’t let me kiss her on the mouth (only the cheek). I guess it’s that whole government town thing. Or maybe she thought I had mouth herpes.

HARROW

Druden was persistent and masturbatory. And the level on the singing was turned way down. I think it was the same chick bass player. But I also had stars in my eyes.

**EDITOR’S NOTE: Druden was one of the best live acts I’ve seen in recent history…fucking loved them!!! – Sean***

DRUDEN

HAGGATHA

Whenever you’re at a show, half of it takes place outside in the smoker’s pit. I asked people who they would be in The Breakfast Club. No one ever wants to be Sporto. I’m definitely Ally Sheedy, but also a tad Princess, too. I harrassed this couple who didn’t know The Breakfast Club. Or Pretty In Pink. Or Sid and Nancy. When people don’t know any movies, it’s time to peace. So we did. I found myself at a house party, refusing to dance with this shirtless midget in a top hat. He handcuffed me to him, so I chewed him up and spat him high into the air like confetti.

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