Snakes and Snails
Wacky Animal Massage!

I recently had a discussion about aging with my mom – entering my 30s, I realized that, in fact, I was not getting any younger. Partying through my teens and twenties did not help my natural aging process. Luckily, human beings are obsessed with finding ways to reverse aging, at least its appearance. So while I am not ready to freak out on expensive eye creams yet, I am still interested in the various weird shit we do to ourselves in order to recapture our youth. It turns out, mother nature’s little helpers have ways of aiding humans in their quest for beauty, and spas all over the world are tapping in. Everyone knows massage is good for you and can help you stay firm and stress-free, but sometimes having a strange human rub their hands all over your body can be creepy. So what about pythons? Much less creepy! In Indonesia, you can enjoy the sensation of snakes and pythons oozing their muscular forms all over your body, slowly caressing you with their scaly skins, writhing over your face and between your toes. Don’t worry, a couple of humans do stand by to make sure they don’t wrap themselves around your pretty little neck and squeeze the life out of you. And they have their mouths taped shut. Well that takes care of the body, but what about a lovely snail facial? In Russia, the Giant African Land Snail slimes its foot body all over your face and decolletage, both massaging your sensitive skin and infusing it with its collagen and antibiotic-rich mucous. And they enjoy their work! Finally, snails get to step on you. But if the idea of snails sliming your face is gross, don’t worry, you can just buy some snail cream for the same effect…