How Cavepeople Got Their Rocks Off: Stone Age Dildos

Maybe due to the religious myths that have been hammered into our collective consciousness for millennia, human beings, especially in the west, have a tendency to see ourselves as once innocent, and now depraved. Once upon a time, we did it as nature intended us to, but now it’s all porno and sex toy shops. In fact, there are a lot of examples of prehistoric sex toys to be found all over the world. These “ice-age batons,” as archeologists like to call them, are clearly not your average stone tool. They are life-sized penises carved from ivory, antler and stone, in all sizes and shapes, and sometimes even with piercings. Some of these examples date as far back as 30,000 years ago. If a cavewoman wanted to tenderize some meat, why carve a penis to do it with – unless it wasn’t dinner she was working on. There are also references to dildos and depictions of them in art dating back to ancient Greece; they were apparently a popular subject in Greek comedy. So far from being some kind of post-Freudian creation, dildos are something human beings have made use of for most of our history. Check out some of these stone age dildos below!

c. 12,000 B.C.
Several portable phallic pieces with replications of totally retracted or absent foreskin, piercings, scars and tattoos.

Images via Mashable

c. 29,000 B.C.
Paleolithic stone phallus discovered at Hohle Fels Cave, southwestern Germany. Made from fine-grained siltstone, ground, polished and incised. The phallus appears to have been also used as a hammerstone.

Neolithic
Carved chalk phallus from an infilled pit in a ditch of Maumbury rings, now at Dorset County Museum.

c. 6,000 – 4,000 B.C.
Carved stag antler phallus, Sweden. 10.5 cm long, 2 cm in diameter.

Neolithic
Carved ivory phallus, France.