COOKIE: Parents are such a drag. Even after you peace out on them, there are these moments where you’re like FUCK why didn’t you just abort me?!!! I don’t regret having mine, but if I could go back I would have made smarter choices.
REDEYE: At least our mothers didn’t get crunked up all day and hang around in lingerie… Wait…
COOKIE: Mothers are all kinds of annoying. They don’t let you smoke or go on dates. They make you eat rotten meat and won’t let you use wire hangars EVER. They make you wear pigtails and they light your boyfriend on fire, like in Mommy’s Epitaph.
Martha moves in for the kill.
REDEYE: Mommy’s Epitaph is a Troma flick about this family that moves around a lot because the mother keeps murdering young dudes who won’t sleep with her.
COOKIE: Martha would rather eat a sandwich than fuck her husband, which sort of makes her a total ROCKSTAR.
REDEYE: I’d bang her.
COOKIE: You’d bang ANYONE.
REDEYE: It’s true. I take whatever I can get.
COOKIE: That’s a good attitude. Diversity is totally key when it comes to your sexual history.
REDEYE: You mean like yeast infections and VD?
COOKIE: Uh, YES. But also, if you veto someone based on age, race and whether or not they’ll take a pickaxe to your brain, you’re missing out on some seriously sexy stories.
REDEYE: Yeah. When Martha hung that chick from the ceiling and tortured her to death, I kinda wished it was me on those meathooks.
Waiting for the rat.
COOKIE: Blow torches are sexy, like in that Nirvana song. But forcing a rat to gnaw its way through someone’s torso is just cruel. Poor little ratboy.
REDEYE: I was cool with all of it. Except that Martha was such a nag. Boner = killed.
COOKIE: Are you kidding? Her husband was the nag! “You promised me you’d stop drinking!” Why are dudes always saying that??
REDEYE: Maybe they’re tired of their girlfriends puking on them.
COOKIE: No. It’s because guys don’t like us to have any FUN. Martha wanted to be a Vegas showgirl, but then her husband knocked her up. This is why Plan B is so important!
REDEYE: Yeah, it’s really a boner killer when insecure slutty chicks get knocked up. Unless they have eight of them and then make a porn.
Warren: So NOT a boner killer.
For more banter, check out VIDEODRONES.
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